


The Parent Trap

by purplekitte



Category: Horus Heresy - Various Authors, Warhammer 40.000
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comedy, Communication Failure, M/M, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-10-01 00:10:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17233754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplekitte/pseuds/purplekitte
Summary: Zehariel and Nemiel decide to set the Lion and Luther back up.





	The Parent Trap

**Author's Note:**

> AU from the beginning of Fallen Angels

‘Is anyone even reading this? Astropathic confirmation the message was received or anything? Please respond. Otherwise I’m going to tell our astropaths to stop sending training reports and just start spamming your choir with break-up albums. I assure we’ve collected plenty over the last few decades.’

‘This is Brother-Redemptor Nemiel. While I must inform you that Primarch Jonson has delegated the status updates from Caliban to his staff and does not read them, they are read. Namely by me. To whom am I speaking?’

‘Nemiel?! Congratulations on your promotion! It’s Zehariel, your cousin. Luther delegated his reports as well.’

‘I remember that you’re my cousin, yes.’

‘Well how exactly was I to know that, big-shot, what with you never writing, never calling.’

‘I really meant to… I didn’t expect you to be gone so long that I would need to, then the time flew away somewhere. You should have been here. You should have been the chaplain.’

‘I’m not jealous. Well, actually am I something fierce. I’m so bored, you have no idea. But this isn’t about me. It’s about Luther. Any time he’s not working he locks himself in his room and listens to “Cry Me a River” and “I Will Survive” and it’s awful. I’m psychic and I have to live with him. It’s just awful. Get the Lion to take him back!!!’

‘The Lion hasn’t spoken his name in anyone’s hearing or acknowledged hearing it for fifty years, very obviously and pointedly. But his personal serfs keep having to requisition him new dataslates due to water damage, so either he drops the remembrancers’ newest trashy romance novels in the bathtub or he’s just sitting in his room crying liters of tears. It’s awful here too.’

‘We have got to get them back together.’

‘I know.’

‘Have you seen The Parent Trap?’

‘Zehariel, that’s stupid. We are not identical twins, we’re not in a convenient place to trade places, and they probably consider us interchangeable anyway.’

‘So we make a different plan.’

‘Yes.’

‘Dfsj;fj;sklfjouroborosklslfdslaaneshjfskl;dj;sd.’

‘The astropaths say to stop trying to send emojis. It messes with their ASCII encoding.’

*

‘We are going to be in so much trouble.’

‘Then don’t get caught.’

‘There is no way it’s not going to be really obvious afterwards what we did. Especially given we made this entire plan by way of documented astropathic communication logs accessible to anyone with decent clearance.’

‘Then don’t get caught too early and hope they’re in a forgiving mood after they’ve forgiven each other and gotten back together.’

Zehariel bit back a giggle at how unlikely that sounded. Well, they’d just take their punishments. ‘All communications through the Aldurukh are routed through me.’

‘All communications to and from the bridge of the _Invincible Reason_ are routed through me.’

‘“Materialisation in system by Imperial reinforcements acknowledged. Caliban is grateful to the Ist Legion for response to our distress call.”’

‘“No thanks is necessary. Caliban is our home too. Luther, it has been too long since I saw you or our world.” Think that’s coming on too strong?’

‘Maybe, but it will be good to gauge how much we can get away with from the beginning. Luther just bit his tongue to hold back cursing or crying, can’t tell which even being psychic.’

*

‘“Now is not the best time to talk. I have an ork warboss to kill.”’

‘“No, now is the best time to talk. I’ve already taken the warboss’s skull and now you’re going to go away again and leave me to keep house for you.”’

‘“You’re the only one I trust to do it. You are my right hand, Luther.”’

‘“Stop lying to me. You’re terrible at people when your genetics-given preternational awe fails you. If I were important to you, you would keep me at your side.”’

‘“I could need you to any moment. That is why you must be ready. That is why you must wait. Nothing has been important enough yet to be worthy of your intervention.”’

‘“The first of all evils is treating people as things. All else flows from that. Your warriors are not toy soldiers that a child can take out to play with when he wants, then put back in a box and expect them to be unmoved in his absence. They are living men, with hearts and minds, pride and sorrow. The Emperor put so much effort into making men into weapons of unquestioning obedience and boundless loyalty, and he failed as utterly as those who once made Men of Iron failed. We want to do our duty. We want to love our lords. Love without reciprocation cannot last.”’

‘Been rehearsing that for awhile?’ Nemiel asked, having trained in rhetoric and oration.

‘Yeah, just a bit. I’ve been bored, okay?’

‘“You have worth to me.”’

‘“I am a relic you no longer have use for, a footnote in your legend, so I am cast aside here until time conveniently removes me. You won’t even notice.

‘“I would.’”

‘“No, you wouldn’t. I have not been part of your life since that day. That day I thought about betraying you and realised I love you more than everything I am. Have you ever loved another human being in your entire life? Just say no and I’ll get over you and live the rest of my life without expecting more.”’

Zehariel thought he heard a shout of ‘Yes’ over the general shouting and background noise of battle. ‘Nemiel?’

‘They’re actually in the same place now, so they’ll be able to hear both sides of the conversation.’

‘I guess it’s up to them then. What a terrifying thought.’

‘Astartes don’t feel fear,’ Nemiel quipped. ‘I’m going to go goad some more ork bosses to make redeployment as lengthy a process as possible while they fight over who gets to be warboss next.’

*

‘You faked an ork invasion.’

‘No, we relocated an ork invasion. The orks were real, as you might have noticed, and they were going to attack somewhere. We simply ensured that somewhere was going to be Caliban when it otherwise would not have been. It was probably for the best anyway: Caliban has the industrial and military capabilities to break the back of the migration better anywhere else in the subsector. It was doing everyone a favour all around.’

The Lion’s expression did not waver from its cold frown. ‘I have reviewed communication logs and neither of us have received accurate correspondence nor had our words transmitted truthfully since the first distress call was sent or received from the system.’

‘I suppose we have bright futures ahead of us as remembrancers writing fiction after we’re thrown out of the Legion.’

‘I have heard enough levity and mockery already. Do I need to start punching off heads?’

Zehariel and Nemiel looked at each other. ‘Is it possible to be in more trouble than we already are?’

‘Lion, say thank you. I will say thank you for my part. They’re not impressed.’

‘You were the one who taught me to give criticism to a subordinate without favouritism or regard for short-term gains in order to encourage discipline.’ The Lion sounded quizzicle, as if everything he’d thought he’d known needed re-evaluated in light of just how badly he had misread the situation with Luther.

‘If you’re not being taken seriously, insisting on your own decorum will only make you the subject of mockery. And you can’t really cross your arms at them unless you remove the other one from around my waist.’

The Lion considered doing this. ‘No.’

Zehariel and Nemiel fist-bumped. Luther looked over at them. ‘You’re still in a lot of trouble.’

‘Yes, lord.’

‘Aspirants will tell each other tales for centuries about how much trouble you managed to be in.’

‘Yes, lord.’

‘Now go make yourselves scarce and kill some orks. Adults need alone time.’

‘Yes, lord.’


End file.
